Before you read further let me state that I am totally sane and I know what I write down is a part wishful thinking and part hallucination. But it happened and I want to document it. I quit maintaining a personal diary 6 years back and just to document this one event I do not want to start a diary. It is personal and I am not even sure I want to share it on my blog but here we go.

It was Feb 14th. It was a day with a lot of special significance for us beyond the traditional Valentine’s day and Chinese new year. It was the day kuttyma turned 5 months old and it was the death anniversary of my grandfather as per the Tamil calendar. As always the week depresses me it makes me feel guilty, lonely, lost and sad. It is a painful reminder of what I lost and what I wish I had done. But it is the past and at times I wonder if I am just stubborn and I refuse to move on. These memory tides especially the painful ones crash against me and in pain I recall the last moments. It is something I guess I can never put to words and I will not attempt to.

But coming back to what I wanted write about, I usually do a small prayer to pay my respects and this was the first year with my little girl. Last year, I remember throwing up non-stop on the day but this year I held my little girl in hand and scolded my grandfather for not being there for my little girl. For forcing me to teach her that a photo was her great-grandfather. I was looking at my feet as I let the tears roll down when I had these thoughts. I lifted my head up to look into the photo before which I was crying and I my waterlogged eyes saw my grandfather’s eyes water. Yes it is an illusion, a wishful thinking. But it left a mark on me and I just wanted to remember it sometime later.