I have been having many conversations with my tribe on the changes in their lives the past 3 months as we moved to a self-protection phase to battle COVID-19. Working from home, schools moving virtual all became norms we had not anticipated or planned for in 2020. Looking back my pre – COVID diary is very different from the one I am writing today.

Books have been a constant part of my life and I have relied on them as emotional clutches. They have transported me worlds perfect and idyllic, scary and adventurous. In fictional worlds, I found my space and courage. I recharged and stepped back into reality. And as the world struggles with the pandemic, I struggle with my reading.

Unlike many people, I have not discovered pockets of time to do nothing while taking COVID precautions. I seem to be scrambling most of the time and trying to calm my mind the rest. The lines blur between demands for lunch and work calls and technology fails. I fail to find space to transport myself into a world, where I can discover and recharge. And when I am scrambled and drained, I cannot give, care and show empathy to my family and friends.

I envy friends who are killing their TBRs. The ones that are baking, learning new skills, setting up video chats with long lost friends etc. My TBR has grown exponentially during these days but the actual part of getting to read the books has remained iffy. I stare in shock and amazement as the daughter plans, preps, cooks, bakes and makes amazingly delicious messes. The phone rarely pings as I have muted and turned off most notifications. I scroll mindlessly on Twitter and Instagram early in the mornings, late at night when sleep evades me.

I am trying and failing. I am also giving myself permission to read what I want and when I can. While, in my perfect world, I will read my way through my TBR, check in with my friends and family regularly and showcase empathy and the right amount concern. But at this point I will be happy if I come out of the pandemic healthy, relatively sane with select friends and family accepting I am human. A little sleep every now and then won’t hurt either.

Change has always been hard for me and like many I stumbled. I tried, I failed. I tried another option and today, I am mostly functional. What works for me is taking it a day at a time and reminding myself to practice gratitude. The balance is precarious on the best of the days. The lightest doubt blows me off my balance beam and I have to find the courage to step up again.

Stay safe, sane and healthy! Be a tad selfish and put yourself first. Seek out help when the voices in your head get loud and abusive.