My identify changed irrevocably this day 4 years ago. I became “kuttyma’s mother” and since then my first identify has been that. FOUR great years.

Here is what I am trying to tell her on her birthday and maybe someday she will read it here

I look at you today trying find traces of the baby I was so scared to put down or hold. Instead I find a rather strong-willed girl bursting with energy and naughtiness. No longer a baby. No longer the innocent.

I see eyes twinkling with inquisitive curiosity. Lips ready to curl into a quick smile that can melt me. A riot of black curls crowning you. I see you – a little grownup.

You are your own person and I love the glimpses I get of your personality. Strong-willed, determined, impatient, stubborn, full of life and sensitive you are. You know what you want and you will not let anyone dissuade you. You are determined to win and to prove that you can.

You my little one cannot accept that you are wrong. It breaks my heart to see you obsessed with being right all the time. I want to look into your eyes and tell you that life is not fun when you are right all the time. It is the mistakes that add the spice. Being wrong and accepting you can make mistakes is life. I wish I could make you understand this.

You hate goodbyes but understand they are inevitable. I am surprised how much you can grasp this concept. You sulk and ignore people when it is time to say goodbyes. You do not cry. You just accept the fact and drown yourself in sadness. I feel lost. I try to help and often like most mothers I end up blotching the situation.

You recall names, places, promises and situations so well that often I feel like I am the one losing it. You remember what was promised days and months ago and recollect it with clarity. You remember what you observe and correlate things. I hope you never lose the love to observe. Looking outwards is a great way to learn, relearn and realize life is beyond the within.

You handled the move to Gladstone with such grace and finesse that I could just gasp in astonishment. You understood that we needed to do this for our family. You knew you had to say goodbye to friends and make new ones. You realized we will have a another “home” while strangers will live in what was once our “home”. You answered questions people threw at you with ease and confidence. Your attitude gave me strength – strength to pack up yet again and restart all over. As much as I love the adventure, moving is no fun. But the prospect of seeing Australia through your eyes kept me going.

You proved time over and again how sensitive and considerate you were. I would always remember you asking me “But who will take care of paati?” as we left paati at home post-surgery to hit some shops. You showed more sensitivity, love and affection than 98% of the people I know. I dread and treasure your sensitivity. I am not sure how you will survive the big bad world.

The environmentalist in me did cartwheels and somersaults whenever you spoke about “problems” – air pollution, water scarcity, cutting down trees. I see hope for tomorrow and vow to make our lives more sustainable and greener. I hope to lead by example.

The gypsy in me headed to fantasy lands as you spoke about continents and destinations of choice. You traveled quite a bit the past year and may the journey continue. I hope you always retain the urge to see and explore. Traveling is a not just about seeing, experiencing new places and cultures – it is about seeing yourself in ways you had not thought was possible. It is self-discovery.

Your love for books rival mine sweetheart. Time spent with books are lessons for life. Books are your first passport to the reality and the fantasy. Nothing on earth could take you to places that a book can. Always remember, there is nothing called a bad book. A book and a reader connect and as with any other relationship – this one can be disastrous if not chosen properly.

You do not fit into the “girly girl” or “tomboy” stereotypes. You swing between the both and it makes me content. At times I see you struggle to fit in the box society draws around you. I can only attempt to help you break free but the ultimate decision to create your own box is yours. Never let anyone tell you, you cannot do something. You are NOT defined by a bunch of adjectives.

You are always cautious. You think through everything, make contingency plans before indulging. It does make my life easier. You do not give me heart racing moments but sometimes I wish you would just jump in head first and learn to swim.

Some of my most treasured moments the past year has been when you “lost” your cool. You are turning to be a little spitfire. You slammed doors, pushed down things and kicked your legs in anger when things did not go your way. Why would I treasure your anger you ask? It shows that you can express yourself. Feelings and emotions are best expressed. Ofcourse there are better ways of dealing with anger and we will work on those as the days go by.

At four, you show an affinity to languages and arts. You use big words and shock me. You are always asking me “what does this mean?” and I am forced to look it up online for you. You have no concept of money. You still CANNOT sleep through the night.

Let us see what the days and years ahead will bring us. May happiness always be yours sweetie pie