2015 has been a rather damp year for me. I wish I had better things to say about the year but honestly I don’t. I am grateful for a lot of things that happened this year but the lows I hit were the lowest of lows.

I started the year at a high. A super high. I baked and entertained. I dreamt and headed to Chennai with plans; lots of them. Like a butterfly, the possibilities seemed endless. But somewhere along the balloon’s string just slipped out of my hands. I hit the bottom mid January.

I ploughed through February, March, April and May. Workouts and dreams kept me company. I tried to break out of my melancholy. I tried hard to bond with friends from the past. I failed more than once. It is surprising how people who were once the closest friends end up having an rather sad tea party.

I made plans. Millions of them. I waved them goodbye with a sigh that reverberated through my soul. I told myself something better was around the corner. It was. It was there and I waited and waited. But it turned out to be bomb in disguise – a massive explosion in August.

Again I picked the pieces and straightened the lines. I had no other option. I made Houston home. I have been in Houston since September – 4 months and these 4 months have been bland – as bland as bland can be.

I know exactly what “a cat on the wall” means, I feel that. I am neither happy nor sad. I don’t want to analyse what I feel. Instead I walk cautiously placing one foot in front of the other.

I have a new place to call home. It is dream-like and yet it doesn’t cheer me up. Kuttyma is in school and loving it. It should be having proud mommy moments and gossiping with other moms. Instead I hide.

I don’t feel social. I feel the distance and pain acutely. I begin my sentences with “when” and not “if”. Optimism remains my only friend.

I read a lot. I wrote a rather interesting 50K words which has potential to become a good book. I wrote a short story that will be published in 2016. I bonded with a collegemate whom I haven’t been in touch for years. It is nice to have a friend whom I can call in the middle of the night and rant. I have definitely had highs in 2015 but the pain of the lows drag me down.

Let us not even talk about the floods of Chennai. I am grateful that my family was safe. I am extremely lucky that there are friends who stepped up and stood for us.

Just as I thought I had seen the worst of 2015 I plan a road trip around Christmas. While I am grateful to be safe and sound, the visual of disintegrating plans hurt my eyes, my throat and my very being. All I can do is sigh and try to cheer myself up by counting the blessings.

I don’t know what awaits me in 2016. I know all the inspirational quotes about creating one’s own destiny and such but in the past year I have come to realise no matter how hard I try some things just aren’t meant to be. I drifted along 2015 clutching to my daughter. I hope 2016 is better. Much better.

Goodbye 2015. I am glad to see the end of you.