I remember this incident from August 2013 while we lived in Singapore. My  coworkers came home for a BBQ around the koi pond to say goodbye. I sat near the grill, sampling satay and enjoying  good conversation when I suddenly realized I had not seen my 4 year old for quite some time.

I. DID NOT. PANIC. I looked around and found her playing some games with my collegues and their families. I let out a sigh of relief (I may not have panicked but I did hold my breath for a couple of seconds) at the joyful scene before my eyes.

Grownup and independent

It was then I realized kuttyma is all grownup. She is no longer the baby. She ate what she wanted and when she wanted. She made friends and entertained herself. She knew enough about being safe that I did not have to keep my eye on her every microsecond.  She is no longer tied to me. She can function by herself. Infact she has been that way for the past 8-10 months. I just chose to ignore what was in front of me.

A part of me rejoiced this milestone. It was like reclaiming the “old” me – pre-motherhood me was here. But the other part of me was bursting with pride, joy with a tinge of sadness.The years just fly by.

Today as I cuddle with her on the couch watching dawn break over Gladstone and savoring the joy and comfort we give to each other, I remember siting for hours on the pale green couch watching the orange curtains flutter in our Houston house with a new baby. I was too scared of holding her. I worried about her comfort. I still worry about her comfort as she struggles to find a comfortable spot. She has outgrown my lap. My baby is no longer a baby.

I hug her a little tighter and say – “No matter, how old you are, you are never too big for mommy’s lap.” I have told her the exact words so often that she can repeat it – verbatim.

I look forward to kuttyma finding her wings and her place in the world. I really do. All I can wish for her is to find what gives her happiness and the courage and determination to pursue it. But a part of me misses the baby who depended on me for everything. I hope I never become the mother who is scared to let her child make mistakes instead I hope to be the mother who is there to give a hug and strength when mistakes happen.

Parenting is one heck of a journey.